This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea