this toddler on the bus said “the wheels on the bus go round & round” & this guy yelled back “no shit Sherlock” & I can’t stop clapping?

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I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.


I’ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo.


Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?


What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.


“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car


Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.