This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
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If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Monday Lisa
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.