This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

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Mom: You need to get a hobby.

Me: Like photography?

Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.


(starts to scramble eggs)


(.0008 seconds later)

“Oh, ok.”


I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.


Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.


Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.


I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.


[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*


If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym


Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.