@bartandsoul

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

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@CanadianCyn

Mom: You need to get a hobby.

Me: Like photography?

Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.

@HatfieldAnne

(starts to scramble eggs)

“THESE YOLKS WON’T BREAK! THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!”

(.0008 seconds later)

“Oh, ok.”

@Tmoney68

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

@Swishergirl24

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

@JohnLyonTweets

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

@BraandoCommando

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

@debon7

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

@lasergirl70

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.