“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
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7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Ugh
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week