This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
You Might Also Like
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
#damn
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating