this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
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I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986