This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
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DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Nothing to do, you say?
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.