This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
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Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA