This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
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Care for your back
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them