@primawesome

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

You Might Also Like

@TheDairylandDon

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

@SamuelHLowe

– What do you do to relax?
– I enjoy people watching.
– The most relaxing thing for me is singing in the shower.
– I know.

@the_moonface

Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.

@DonQuickoats

My dogs are barking a lot lately but I think it is because their performance appraisals are coming up

@Hobo_Splendido

[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]

Her: my elbows are dry

@HepatitisAtoZ

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

@brunopieroni

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

@brynnester

My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me

@TheBoydP

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

@CAshmanActor

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?