This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

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Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron


– What do you do to relax?
– I enjoy people watching.
– The most relaxing thing for me is singing in the shower.
– I know.


Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.


My dogs are barking a lot lately but I think it is because their performance appraisals are coming up


[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]

Her: my elbows are dry


[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!


I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.


My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me


I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…


[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?