Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
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– What do you do to relax?
– I enjoy people watching.
– The most relaxing thing for me is singing in the shower.
– I know.
Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.
My dogs are barking a lot lately but I think it is because their performance appraisals are coming up
[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]
Her: my elbows are dry
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?