This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
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it must be school picture day
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?