date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
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Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Rather alarming headline…
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes