@drivethatfast

This tube of suntan lotion has been in my family for three generations

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@Conchvegas1

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

@TheBoydP

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

@bartandsoul

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

@bea_ker

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

@goldengateblond

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

@dumbbeezie

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

@CulturedRuffian

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

I accidently opened the fitness app and my phone immediately called to report itself stolen.

@moose_chocolate

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

@OfficeofSteve

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)