@drivethatfast

This tube of suntan lotion has been in my family for three generations

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@KentWGraham

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

@DamienFahey

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

@senderblock23

[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened

@badbanana

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

@difficultpatty

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

@BoomBoomBetty

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

@Lisabug74

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

@firebrand3

They say “Fake It Until You Make It”

How can you fake a dinner?

@o__0Dev

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.