This tube of suntan lotion has been in my family for three generations

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It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.


“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer


[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened


No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.


Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.


[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”


I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.


They say “Fake It Until You Make It”

How can you fake a dinner?


Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.