“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
This tube of suntan lotion has been in my family for three generations
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Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Maybe next time i could meet your dog
Your dog is so cool
Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
*puts it in perspective
Perspective: Wrong hole.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.