This tube of suntan lotion has been in my family for three generations

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“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.


Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands


I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.


My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.


“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies


Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.


[1st date]
Maybe next time i could meet your dog

[2nd date]
Your dog is so cool

[3rd date]
Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you


Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”


*puts it in perspective

Perspective: Wrong hole.


If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.