I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
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…Stay Free Maxi-pads…
…When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.
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Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.
DAD: Think an earthquake’s coming.
MOM: Check Rocky; dogs always know.
DOG *analysing seismic data*: I anticipate magnitudes of 6 or more.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Wrong Woody, Josh.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
My signature move at parties is flirting with a cute guy for half an hour before realizing he’s actually a bag of Cheetos
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut