@pdxjohnny99

This tweet has been brought to you by…

…Stay Free Maxi-pads…

…When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.

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@ozzie31220

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

@Gre_Gone

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

@just1fool

I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.

@Audenary

DAD: Think an earthquake’s coming.

MOM: Check Rocky; dogs always know.

DOG *analysing seismic data*: I anticipate magnitudes of 6 or more.

@spekulation

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

@pixelatedboat

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

@AngelaEhh

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

@lwhit_the_boss

My signature move at parties is flirting with a cute guy for half an hour before realizing he’s actually a bag of Cheetos

@maebemarbles

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut