[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
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I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.