*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
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…When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.
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Isn’t Megan Fox a little old to be hanging out with the TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.