Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
You Might Also Like
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.