BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
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My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.