always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february