Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it’s married.. so it’ll just get drunk.
You Might Also Like
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
“Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?”
*Mom returns with Morgan Freeman*
“I love you mom”
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk
Just saw my wife’s tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she’d explode bigger than any firework.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants