@LeannaZaiden

This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it’s married.. so it’ll just get drunk.

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@lecalabara

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

@figgled

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

@The_Grant_Boldt

“Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?”

“Okay”

*Mom returns with Morgan Freeman*

“I love you mom”

@jonnysun

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

@gigi_k1

Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk

@JWilsonGA

Just saw my wife’s tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she’d explode bigger than any firework.

@Marlebean

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@alexlumaga

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants