@SamGrittner

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

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@jus4golf

Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.

@PleaseBeGneiss

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

@ayisi_yaw

#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married

@mossperricone

lol at people who think they’re a hypochondriac for using WebMD. Hit me up when you’re paying urgent care doctors hundreds of dollars a month to say stuff like “if your throat was closing up, your throat would be closing up”

@pinapl

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

@AmishPornStar1

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

@broodingYAhero

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

@MeetYourDaddy

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.

@Wook316

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.