This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
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I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test