Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
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I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
This meal prepping shit is easy
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.