My neighbors wifi isn’t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
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On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment
Tons of guys wave at me when I drive my wife’s car.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.