“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
You Might Also Like
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
#NeverForget
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.