@meganamram

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

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@pilau

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

@Brentweets

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

@batkaren

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

@GianDoh

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

@IamEveryDayPpl

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

@iinkedZombie

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

@HonestToddler

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

@Jake_Vig

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.