Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.