I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
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Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
If I had a twin that was like 5 mins younger than me I would always say ‘when I was your age’ and proceed to tell them what I did 5 mins ago
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I’m gonna covet you. I am gonna covet you so hard. I am gonna covet the holy living shit outta you.
It’s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it’s too late.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
COP: *starts barking*