@Rainmaker1973

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

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@callmeEvian

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

@ABurgerADay

Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

@Robert_Beau

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

@WolfpackAlan

If I had a twin that was like 5 mins younger than me I would always say ‘when I was your age’ and proceed to tell them what I did 5 mins ago

@1followernodad

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

@climaxximus

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

@TheTweetOfGod

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

@scorpicpanda

I’m gonna covet you. I am gonna covet you so hard. I am gonna covet the holy living shit outta you.

C’mere.

@MikeLonghelt

It’s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it’s too late.

@BlindChow

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*