This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
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Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.