Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don’t have to.
This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I’m not going to work tomorrow.
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“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
When I see a couple and the women’s pregnant. I always walk up and YELL “why don’t you tell him who is really the father.” and walk away
Well if you didn’t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
When I go to Starbucks, I tell them my name is Marco. When my drink is ready and they call my name, I just keep saying Polo.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?