Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
yeah no that’s fair
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.