@Molly_Kats

This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I’m not going to work tomorrow.

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@ThingsGoinOn

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

@WeissBrandon

When I see a couple and the women’s pregnant. I always walk up and YELL “why don’t you tell him who is really the father.” and walk away

@CaseyMichelle__

Well if you didn’t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?

@Vice_Queen

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

@jonnysun

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

@AntF3ltz

When I go to Starbucks, I tell them my name is Marco. When my drink is ready and they call my name, I just keep saying Polo.

@teeaysmith

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

@Halbeerz

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

@BellPupper

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?