@LoveNLunchmeat

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

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@aparnapkin

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

@pixelatedboat

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

@ClaytonSykes

Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need “lives” as if I didn’t already know that.

@philyuck

COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark?

MARK: He’s alive so I’m assuming he had a birth, yes.

@AmericanGent69

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

@NickBossRoss

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

@HenpeckedHal

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

@amazymay72x

Husband: I’ll unload the dishwasher for you, honey.

Me: No rush.

3 days later…….regrets saying no rush.

@juliussharpe

It was the Middle Ages. There’s no way Rapunzel didn’t have lice.