This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

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*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right


Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites


A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?


[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy


[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere


Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”


Why would I want to quit smoking? Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer?