This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

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I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”


You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products


Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need “lives” as if I didn’t already know that.


COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark?

MARK: He’s alive so I’m assuming he had a birth, yes.


Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.


Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.


Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?


Husband: I’ll unload the dishwasher for you, honey.

Me: No rush.

3 days later…….regrets saying no rush.


It was the Middle Ages. There’s no way Rapunzel didn’t have lice.