This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
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Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Always a metermaid never a meter
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.