Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.
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Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.
– Viagra addict
When I’m at a friend’s house & there are snacks, all I’m thinking is “How do I eat everything without looking like a homeless person?”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.