girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
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[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
the short answer to this question
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.