This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
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I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“