serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
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[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
They grow up so quick
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Me :
All Day At Night
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.