This website is free. It only costs you your mental health and you weren’t doing anything with that anyway.

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Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.


ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share


I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.


purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again


“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”


“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”

-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.


Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.


Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.


I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.


*puts little Santa hat on cat*

Hahaha Santa claws

*puts little Santa hat on dog*

Hahaha Santa paws