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Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo