@nappydolemite

This website is free. It only costs you your mental health and you weren’t doing anything with that anyway.

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@OctopusCaveman

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

@jrza84

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

@fuzzlime

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

@KevinFarzad

“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”

“Yes.”

“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”

-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.

@FattMernandez

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

@MavenofHonor

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

@primawesome

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

@SatansTongue

*puts little Santa hat on cat*

Hahaha Santa claws

*puts little Santa hat on dog*

Hahaha Santa paws