Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
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YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Admin smashed it 😂
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem