[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.
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People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[ during job interview ]
– “Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?”
– “I give up, why?”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*