Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
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Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Thrilling chase underway
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?