This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.

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[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta


People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.


Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.


[ during job interview ]

– “Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?”

– “I give up, why?”


Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.


Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper


I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.


Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?


Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché