Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?