This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
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Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
waiting for halloween be like:
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.