This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
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Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening