this will hang in the louvre one day
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My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*