This will teach them to underestimate me
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The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Self-cleaning conscience
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time