Life was dangerous when I was young. We answered the phone never knowing who was on the other end.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
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Wife: Are you doing what I asked?
Me: Of course I am *vacuum noises*
Wife: Did you just text “vacuum noises”?
Me: *dialtone noises*
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
If someone upsets you, write a nasty letter and file it away before you say something you might regret.
Then punch the person in the face.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.