This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

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Life was dangerous when I was young. We answered the phone never knowing who was on the other end.


Wife: Are you doing what I asked?

Me: Of course I am *vacuum noises*

Wife: Did you just text “vacuum noises”?

Me: *dialtone noises*


I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.


Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!


If someone upsets you, write a nasty letter and file it away before you say something you might regret.

Then punch the person in the face.


[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit


[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”


HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille


[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s


Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.