This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
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20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.