@thepaulahunt

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

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@ag_loco

Dear Canadians,

Who’s the cutest little nation?
You are!
Yes you are!

*pinches cheeks*

@Palumbros

All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.

@RoxiieHart

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

@Fred_Delicious

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

@david8hughes

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

@minkpinkustink

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

@JohnnyCrash5

[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Me: yesh.
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.

@LostFelicia

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.