@BackrowSeats

This woman at the bar said “move, you’re blocking the door” & I’m like strange pickup line but sure here’s my number.

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@EllaZee5

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

@delusions_of

[points at bank account]

“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”

@AndrewNadeau0

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

@MyNameIsArchaic

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

@DrakeGatsby

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

@roxiqt

[at a racetrack]

DATE: Which horse are you betting on?

ME: I don’t have a horse in this race

DATE: That’s fair

ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track

@OrangeFact

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

@Book_Krazy

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER