This woman at the bar said “move, you’re blocking the door” & I’m like strange pickup line but sure here’s my number.

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The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.


[points at bank account]

“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”


The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.


2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.


Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son


[at a racetrack]

DATE: Which horse are you betting on?

ME: I don’t have a horse in this race

DATE: That’s fair

ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track


Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life


Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick