The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
This woman at the bar said “move, you’re blocking the door” & I’m like strange pickup line but sure here’s my number.
You Might Also Like
[points at bank account]
“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”
*uses Ouija board*
??? ????? ??? ???
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER