This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
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I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Why am I like this?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume