If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
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I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]