this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
You Might Also Like
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done