this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

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[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”


Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you


I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.


[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album


[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]


Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.


Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps


You have changed my morals completely with your reply, batshit crazy internet stranger


Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.


People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.