This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

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I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.


If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.


People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.


[From the other room]
14: Dad, help, the printer won’t print.
Me: But… I just got home.
14: I need it for a Zoom class.
I just laid down on the couch.
14: You want me to tell my teacher that?
No, Dog’s laying on me tho..
14: Dog ate my dad so I can’t do my homework?


BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman


Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts


If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Churning Butter!”


“Hey! check out my new ink” *removes shirt, stands naked*

“Dude!, I don’t see anything”

“It’s invisible ink”


My stages of drunk:

1. You’re UGLY
2. You’re HOT

4. Your HONOR in my defense……