@PoonWhisperer1

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

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@glenyrd

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

@amandajpanda

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

@TheTweetOfGod

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

@JustMeTurtle

[From the other room]
14: Dad, help, the printer won’t print.
Me: But… I just got home.
14: I need it for a Zoom class.
I just laid down on the couch.
14: You want me to tell my teacher that?
No, Dog’s laying on me tho..
14: Dog ate my dad so I can’t do my homework?
Exactly!

@causticbob

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

@JeffMyspace

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

@kelly__le

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

@delusionaliam

“Hey! check out my new ink” *removes shirt, stands naked*

“Dude!, I don’t see anything”

“It’s invisible ink”

@NJPsychDoc

My stages of drunk:

1. You’re UGLY
2. You’re HOT
3. You’re BEAUTIFUL

4. Your HONOR in my defense……