This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I am a gravy boat captain
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
podcasts
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.