This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
You Might Also Like
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
This January has 47 Mondays
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?