This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
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PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I’m being attacked 😭
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?