“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
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A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
road rage
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]