@mattdpearce

this Yahoo Answers page gives me life

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@WilliamAder

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

@WittySassBasket

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

@cravin4

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

@david8hughes

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

@DirtMcTurd

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

@Jake_Vig

“Do as many squats as you feel like, I don’t want to get involved.”

– impersonal trainer

@nathandeschaine

Jurassic Park (1993): An old man with ungodly amounts of money doesn’t have any common sense.