BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance
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Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My barista recognizes me, but she doesn’t seem to know my name. I mean, she’ll look right at me and just yell “get out of my house!”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Yes, you take my breath away… But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don’t be so flattered.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.