@mattdpearce: this Yahoo Answers page gives me life
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@ArfMeasures: Cop: We've found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you Me: Where was he? Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car Me *impressed* he really went for it
@RobertManchild: [company meeting] Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes. Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
@TheMichaelRock: The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.
@ghostkrogh: me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same tour guide: almost certainly keith