COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
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I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Just grow your own
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.