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@mattdpearce: this Yahoo Answers page gives me life
@notalogin: Headline: "Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don't respect them, study finds".
AKA, "My eye is up here".
@OfHella: Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
@stephenjmolloy: [Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: "Alexa, play sinister music."
@Ms_Ka_Renee: Dr: So when did the stress eating begin?
Me: Probably 1983 or 1984.
Dr: You were born in 1982.
Me: Maybe it Was 1982.
@Marlebean: It's good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don't have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you're a moron.