My rap name is When i$ Lunch
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If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
oh shit
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Love it! 👍😂
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4