Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
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Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.