This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
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Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Support your local cemetery
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.