This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.